Posted: June 23, 2005 in Personal, Work

Some people have asked me why I don’t spend more time talking about women on this blog, or why I don’t date much. The simple reason is this….I’ve been burned too many times.

The longer answer is that I have whats called “Nice Guy Disease” which is that I will bend over backwards for anyone ESPECIALLY women. I have spent the past 6 years helping other people improve their lives, but I havent taken any time for ME, and it took the last bad experience to show me this. I would drop anything, and be ready at any time to solve other people’s problems, but when it came to my own life, I was putting it on the back burner.

Well to make a long story short, I have decided to take some time and concentrate on ME, while I use the friends that I have left (and yes, some of them are women, you know who you are, and you know how important you are to me) to try to balance out helping them and also helping myself.

See, I have no problem helping other people, I just need to learn to say no when it interferes with something that I have going on rather than constantly reconfiguring major events in my life based on other people.

And this isnt just with friends, but also with my job. So yes, I still have a fairly active social life, and YES I will be dating again, but right now it is NOT the most important thing in my life. Right now the most important person in my life is me.

Any thoughts from someone who may have more experience?

  1. Ryan says:

    Take what I say with a grain of salt I guess since you’re older and have more experience but I feel the same way.

    It’s funny you mention this, too, since I have the same problem. I will bend over backwards for friends in need or who just want to vent to me and 99% of the time, I have no problem with that. I like counseling others and strive to be the nice guy everyone turns to when stuff happens. I actually talked about this with my counselor to which she didn’t say much about it.

    That goes for mainly women, too, since I am more comfortable around them and feel it’s easier to talk to them about their issues. But then there comes a time, usually every other month, that I close off everything and say to myself, “Hey, I need me time.” When that time comes, it seems like people still want me to help and I just have to turn them down.

    What’s interesting about that is the fact that when I turn them down, they guilt trip me and start with the “You always said you’d be there for me. How could YOU do this to me?” Sure, it makes me feel bad but at the same time, it makes me dislike them strongly, and honestly, it’s happened more than a fair share of times and friendships have been broken off due to that reasoning. Sure, it sucks. But someone NEED to realize that I need to lead a life and while I want to always be there for them, it’s impossible and it’s certainly NOT good for my health.

    Then there’s the whole “You don’t care about me” BS. Again, not true but they can’t get it through their thick heads that it’s about me right now and I need the time.


    If someone is sick, I will gladly come in because the company knows I am responsible. I usually don’t have a problem with it, that is until the sick employee calls an hour before their shift and says “By the way, I’m not coming in today.” Um… did you just realize you were sick? Hello?! But I blow it off – that is until I see them next time and they don’t have the nerve to at least THANK ME for working their shift on such sort notice.

    I could really go on for hours about how much this bothers me and how similar we are in many respects (which is no doubt cool because I feel like if I ever needed someone to talk to in a super serious situation, I’d have someone who knows what to say that won’t be biased or “what I want to hear.” 🙂

    But I think I’ll end this post here. I could go on and on…!

  2. mnxmfan says:

    Yeah no kidding. I felt I could keep typing too, but I knew I had to end it sometime 😉

    And as far as the serious stuff, yeah if you ever needed someone to bounce something off of, I’d be happy to do it.

    I TOTALLY forgot about the guilt trips. And you know what, I used to fall for them EVERY time. Then it got old, and I realized that one of two things would happen:

    A. I would lose the friend. If thats all they were interested in me for, they weren’t a true friend


    B. The friendship will continue, and the guilt trips will become meaningless.

    One of the other things that bothers me is when you spend ALOT of time helping someone (like in my last friendship) only to ultimately have them turn around and screw ya once you really need someone. Thats what hurt the most in the last little endevour. After I give up almost a whole summer convincing them that they are worth something, helping with bills, AND taking time off work to help them get a job, only to have that happen and all future summer plans screwed as soon as she got a job.

    Anyways, I digress. And for those of you who think I might be obsessed, sorry, your wrong. But you can’t expect me to forget about what happened. If I forgot, I wouldnt learn anything, now would I?

    Wow, OK, I better end this post. Thanks for the feedback Ryan, really got my brain flowing with ideas 😉

  3. Ryan says:

    The thing I absolutely love is when you give out more than you ever receive back. For example with me, I have a hard time staying friends with people based on the fact that I always feel like I am giving more out than I am ever getting back.

    When it’s my turn to vent, they don’t understand, don’t care to understand, and don’t want to take the time to listen. It kind of makes you feel like you’re being “too good of a person” when you give out more than you take in.

    It’s like an emotional deficit and it makes you feel horrible – been there, done that more than I’ve wanted to. That’s kind of why I am so critical of people and not-trusting of others. I’ve been screwed over so many times and it’s hard to just walk up to someone at a party and talk to them because most of the time, it’s just some fake facade they’re putting on and I see right through it. Then there are some people who just have an aura (been wanting to use that word all day!) about them that I just immediately know they are like me and understand situations and are trustworthy.

    I’m *really* good at reading people and it’s partially based from past experiences and just sitting back and analyzing people. I don’t want to be so closed and introverted all of the time, but it’s hard to just open up to some people knowing whatever response you’ll get back is just small talk and often based on “the right thing to say” rather than what you really want to say. Plus, it’s becoming a protective thing from being screwed over again because honestly, I can’t handle it right now being on SSRI’s and contemplating going back to counseling (feel privileged – few people know that!).

    Maybe I’ll write about that tomorrow on my site…it’ll be a super long entry if I feel up to it and have the time! Or maybe I could start it tomorrow and add to it over time as I feel something important to say…hmmm…

  4. mnxmfan says:

    Yeah I have gone through counseling several times in my life, and the end result always ends up being the same for me. I flush out my friends (mostly women) and start over. Usually after it is all said and done, I feel better about myself, but it really depends.

    I’ve also done some pretty awful things when presented with situations like that. Its all part of that wall that you build around yourself when you get SOOO frustrated that you just have to push back. I am probably the nicest person anyone would ever meet, but if that is taken advantage of ALOT and then I am belittled and trashed to people that I don’t know, or if I didn’t have a fair chance at showing my side of the story, then of course I am going to lash out a bit.

    Example: When that whole thing happened last year, everyone in her family that didn’t know me painted me out to be this big awful scary person (even threats of charges being pressed for talking to her over IM claiming that it was stalking just because I was trying to get my things back) but they were not around for all the times that I was up at 6AM talking her out of suicide, or the Christmas Eve that I spent running to and from the hospital in the next town because she was on a 36 hour suicide hold, and I wanted to be nice enough to be there so she could see a familular face when she got out.

    I mean the examples go on and on and on and on, but bottom line is, they probably don’t know that to this day. But I’m sure they know more than enough about that one time that I had an emotional breakdown as I watched my world as I knew it crash down on top of me that fateful night back in Jully of last year. Boy I think this topic deserves another post sometime down the line 😉

  5. Ryan says:

    It’s true though. I’ve been made out to be the bad guy several times, yet the parents never know what I did to help the girl. I’m really not a “scary, mean, inconsiderate” person as some people make me out to be. That’s the farthest from the truth.

    I guess my big problem lately is that when I go to a girlfriend’s house (which hasn’t been a problem lately with no girlfriend and just trying to enjoy life), I feel it’s somewhat the parents responsibility to make me feel welcome. It’s their house, their rules, their territory. I have issues just walking into a house and starting up a conversation about “how my day at school or work was” because to me, it just seems intrusive and controlling.

    Either way, I’m not going to win. So most of the time, I just sit back and they want to dislike me for something they don’t see in me or something I don’t do, go for it. I’ve learned that people are going to dislike me for some of the stupidest reasons and of course they’ll never confront you on why. So if that person doesn’t feel like telling me why they dislike me, no skin off my back. Go on disliking me – I’m moving on with life.

    Bottom line is no matter how nice you are, how hard you try, and what you do behind the scenes to help a person, there are going to be people who make an impression of you regardless of whether they know anything about you. If they choose to dislike you, sure it sucks, but there’s no much you can do to change a stubborn person’s mind!

  6. mnxmfan says:

    Thank you for the insightful comments Mr. Multiple personality 😉 Err I mean John, err Chris, err you know who you are.

  7. mnxmfan says:

    And Ryan, thanks for confirming that I am not the only person that has had to deal with this stuff.

    Here’s to just sitting back, relaxing, and enjoying life 🙂

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