I'm losing….

Posted: March 22, 2007 in Personal

Long time no post, and I wish this post was under better circumstances, but its not.

Last week, I was diagnosed with either panic disorder or anxiety disorder, I tend to go with the latter of the two.  After a series of panic attacks, I finally sought medical attention, and the panic attacks are still not subsiding, although the medication is making them manageable.  They can’t seem to find a trigger for them, which is quite common, but in the meantime I have been overwhelmed with worry.

This worry is not caused by anyone or anything, and I realize its all in my head, but I believe it has lead to some depression, a depression that I have had for years, but never really dealt with.

Now I bet at this point your saying to yourself, but everythings going so good for him.  And to that extent, you are absolutely right.  My grades in school are good, my social life couldn’t be better, and I’ve managed to lose 27 pounds (and counting) so whats the problem?  Well, I wish I could answer that for you, and I wish I could answer that for myself.  But, I’m coming up empty.  This depression has been going on now for probably at least six months, probably longer, but I have been using school as a distraction, and even that isn’t working any more.

Now, I don’t want anyone to think that this depression is caused by anyone involved in my life.  Quite the contrary.  This is all internalized depression, probably brought on by worry.  So, whats to worry about?  Well, I am managing to get myself into about thirty thousand dollars worth of debt to go to school.  Worth it, yes, but I worry about paying it back.  My social life has never been better, but I worry that it too could dissappear in the blink of an eye, a worry that is completely unfounded.

I have lost alot of weight, but I am worried that I am losing it for the wrong reasons.  That maybe if I lose the weight, women in general will find me more attractive, nevermind the fact that I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror every morning.  Sound like a teenage girl yet? 

And to top it off, my romantic life has been non existant now for going on 6 years.  Yeah its silly to worry that I will end this life alone, because I have a world of friends surrounding me, but still, I worry about that too.  Lately, this worry has gotten so bad that I don’t find enjoyment in school, which has yet to lead to performance issues at school, but I fear it could head that way.

I realize this is all in my own head, and isn’t caused by anyone but myself.  No change that I have made to my life has made this worse, and some changes have made things exponentially better, better than words can describe.  So what’s next?  Well, I realize that I need therapy, if for nothing else than to treat the GAD, but therapy comes at a cost.  A cost, that at least while I’m in school, I cannot afford.

So, at least for now, I’m going to try my best to pull myself out of it.  I will keep my friends close to me, which is exactly where they all belong.  I know that eventually, I can pull myself out of this, which is a temporary solution, but it will work until I can get the money together to bring in an outside party to look inside the circus that is my head.

So to my friends, if I’ve been a tad bit distant and haven’t seemed like my usual jolly self, I’m sorry.  But thank you for being there for me, thats what I need right now is for you to just be there for me.  I’ll deal with my own problems, and when I need your help, I know I can come ask you for it.


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