A lot to think about…..

Posted: July 4, 2007 in Friends

So today I got a bombshell dropped on me.  I won’t go into details, and I most certainly will not post names, but I am confused.  What is a “Normal Friendship”?  I was under the impression that something like that was decided by the individuals involved. 

Over the past two weeks, me and a close friend of mine have spent less and less time together.  No complaints here, I mean we were hanging out nearly every day for a while, so hanging out 3-5 times a week has been pretty good.  I have done everything asked of me thus far.  I did much to help this person, and I expect very little in return.  It was asked of me to bother her by text at work, you know some small talk.  Sometimes I would hear back, and sometimes not.

We had made plans for 4th of July.  I was so excited that I wouldn’t have to do that alone, I communicated being happy this would not be the case.  Everything was going very well as of Sunday, and Monday late afternoon I got an email with a list of places to go see fireworks.  Man, I could feel the excitement mount!  And maybe if there was time, I would get my hair dyed!

But wait, everything is off now.  No fireworks, no hair dying, nothing.  Returned keys, got stuff, sure sounds like this is coming to an end.  Why the drastic shift?  Casual friends wouldn’t even do this, hell NONE of my friends would do this.  I have yet to be intentionally stood up.  But apperantly, and without my knowledge, I am all of a sudden smothering.  Nevermind the many days I was called to come over and help.  Out are all the times that I texted and never heard back from.  That sort of stuff is no big deal.  I don’t expect to hang out every day with the same person.  Sure, I may enjoy it too, but I digress.

This same type of thing has happened before.  How did you think I would react?  I was really looking forward to it.  No lie, no guilt trip.  But every time I try to communicate how I feel, its automatically a guilt trip.  I’m sorry, but I feel HURT.  So the dynamics have changed, and you feel they need to.  OK, thats not where the problem exists.  But to go from one extreme to the other?  I was just doing what you asked.  If that was really bothering you that much, all you had to do was tell me before it got this bad.

I can understand the changing dynamics, but to completely blow me off, well, doesn’t make me feel welcome.  It makes me feel devalued.  But that was bound to happen eventually, right?  After all, its in the book that was written all about you.  Tell me over and over how important I am to you, reassure me that you are not getting tired of me.  Was it all for the help? 

And, while I like horse shows, and went to every one of them with you, I also liked knowing that my 4th of July would be fun.  But alas, I am alone.  That hurts, especially since I told you how important that was to me.  Not the end of the world you say?  Talk about assigning value to things in my life.  It’s a celebration of our independence.  I had been looking forward to it for months.  But like anything that I really get my hopes up for, they are all dashed.  Frustrated, yes.  But I still don’t hate you, I don’t have that capability.

Two years ago this same thing happened.  I provoked it.  But this time, I did nothing to deserve this treatment.  Change the dynamic, sure.  But, you broke my heart.  Words cannot express how sad I am that once again I will spend this happy 4th celebrating alone.  Not the end of the world?  To you maybe, but to me it was very important.  Almost as important as seeing a horse show was to you.

The rest, I can get over, I can deal with.  I understand you are going through a lot right now.  I thought what I was doing was supporting that at every turn.  Taking the hints when I could figure them out, and being there when I was needed.  But now, I have to think about whether or not I can put up with this disappointment again.  I’m sure I’ll get over it, but things need to change.  The question is, how much?


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