A first for me…

Posted: July 5, 2007 in Friends, Politics

This year marks the first time that I didn’t watch fireworks.  Not that I couldn’t find people to go with, I had several offers of people, who I know and who I don’t, to do something.

But, with some recent events coming to fruition, and my lack of desire to be patriotic to a country that starts fake wars, I decided to sit it out this year. 

I spent much of the day shut away from the world, I was tired because I didn’t sleep that well last night, and I had a lot on my mind.  I wanted a chance to reflect myself without having the influences of other people.  The recent events, combined with what my therapist told me, are making me really look within myself for an answer to a very important question, and that is taking much of my brainpower at the moment.

I’m pretty sure I know how I want to proceed, but I am not 100% on this yet.  I have to weigh this for me personally, and do what is best for my health and wellbeing, and right now I can’t say for sure what the best way to proceed happens to be.  Its the hardest thing I have had to ask myself, and I don’t want my blog to sound wishy washy on the issue, I want to make a decision and stick to it.  Right now, I am trying to keep space, but yet still let this person know I care.  For me, thats hard, as I don’t know what this person’s line is between “smothering” and not is.  To me, an occasional text message, email, or blog comment (mostly neutral, while being clear about how I feel) is not smothering anyone.

I guess I am frustrated.  The reason I frustrated is because of the feelings that I’m having.  I realize that nobody else can make me feel anything, and take responsibility for the way I feel.  I’m tired of bending over backwards for people, only to end up on the top of the enemy’s list (once again, how I feel I’m being treated at the moment, I could be wrong).  Friendship is a give and take type of thing, and lately I feel that its been more taking than giving, which I am ok with, because I understand that the situation is pretty deep, and this other person has lots going on.

I’m willing to take responsibility for saying some things I probably shouldn’t have, but I don’t feel that 100% of the blame be laid on me, and my history speaks for itself.  Out of all the many relationships I have had, this is the only one that keeps failing.  Now the question becomes why.  I think perhaps there are just personality flaws that are interacting with each other, sort of like puzzle peices fitting together.  But I could be wrong.  It could be me, or it could be this other person.  See where this reflecting thing is getting complicated?

Maybe someday I will clue you all in to what that big question is, but for now, I would like some time to be able to answer it without the feedback of others.  Whaever decision I make, I want to be 100% my decision, not influenced by outside third parties.

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