Blah….

Posted: November 14, 2007 in Friends, Personal

So yeah, I have to admit that I’m not perfect.  And I’m sure at least one person is reading this and saying WOOOHOOOO.   I’m miserable.  The thing is, I don’t know why.  Things are going pretty good, my social life has never been better, I’m almost done with school, and I’m moving forward on nearly every other aspect of my life.

Then why do I feel like hiding?  My friends are all AWESOME, so I don’t want any of you thinking that your not, but I can’t help but feel the desire to shut off my cell phone, log off all my IM clients, and just curl up into a ball for a while.  Most of you know this is part of my MDD (if you don’t know what thats short for, just ask), and likely isn’t avoidable.  The thing you might not know is that I am going through one of those rough patches.

So, why haven’t you noticed, I mean surely your a great friend, right?  I mean your reading this drivel religiously, even if I haven’t had the time to call you recently, so you must be a good friend.  Well, truth be told, I’m REALLY good at hiding it.  Probably because I feel the constant need to make my friends happy, combined with societies desire to condition us all not to show our weak spots.  And I don’t have it in me to say “I need help” or even to say “You know what, I could really use a hug” (and if your a male friend of mine, your not going to ablige anyways, thank you for that!).  See, I’m the rock.  I’m the guy that everyone comes to, right?

What I usually do, is mask the pain with food and humor, which can sometimes be a bad combination as it ends up making me wanna puke.  Maybe I just feel detatched.  I honestly don’t know what it is, or how to explain it.  Sure, it could be because I quit smoking, which was something I really enjoyed.  I have absolutely no idea.  All I know is I am finding it hard to sleep, but when I do sleep, I sleep waaaaay too much, and I’m tired all the time.  I believe the medical community calls that lovely gem HYPERSOMNIA.  Maybe my drugs have stopped working (come to think of it, maybe I have stopped TAKING them!). 

Who knows, but one things for sure, I could probably use a net hug or something simular.  The funny thing is, one of my instructors asked me how I can be so happy all the time.  I guess I’ve turned hiding into an art.  Now accepting students for an $80 per session class on “Problems, how to make people think you don’t have any” seminar.

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