I still miss you…

Posted: November 29, 2007 in Friends, Personal

What can I say, 5 months later, its time I admit that I still miss you from time to time.  Sure it doesn’t affect my life entirely, but there are passing momemts of sadness.  Is it because I have such a great memory?  Probably.  But you know something?  I still know we had some great times together.  Despite things ending out very poorly, I still couldn’t say that I hate you, or that I am angry at you.

I cared about you, and to a very small degree, I still do.  I will never deny that.  Because of you, my life is very different now than it was before.  You still managed to have a very positive impact on my life.  Sure, some of it may have been out of spite, but had it not been for you I would not be in school right now.  And I’m sure your not even reading this anymore, and honestly whether you are or are not, well that much doesn’t matter to me.  I just like getting this out there for me, not for anyone else.

I’m certainly not without my share of the blame for things happening, and I don’t think I ever said any different.  I just really honestly think that we had personality styles that didn’t match.  Sure we had some great times, and the bad times were so few and far between that it honestly shouldn’t have destroyed a friendship.  But it eventually did.  I couldn’t keep trying to make you happy only to be judged with a fine tooth comb everytime you needed me gone.  It just wasn’t healthy.  Nobody is perfect, I know and admit to most of my flaws, and I’m always looking for ways to discover them so I can learn and grow from my mistakes.  Thats not to say that you didn’t or don’t, so please don’t read it that way.

I know, I know, I probably shouldn’t even care still, but I do.  That’s not to say that I would take action on it, and I’m sure you ultimately realize that now.  This is as far as I’m likely to take it.  I’ve been debating an email just to get some closure on the situation, but when it comes down to it, at the moment I can’t.  Maybe sometime down the line sure, but I could and would never try to come anypace near you or cause you even the slightest bit of harm, ever.  Yeah, I used the whole cat thing on you, but that was honestly used only to recover my things.  I had no other option, and was only going to use that if you didn’t follow through on giving me my stuff back.  But, you did, and I didn’t use that against you.  I’m not vindictive, and I really do love animals.

So maybe this whole time I have been lying to myself.  But I think the reality is that I knew this was going to happen.  I mean, when your close with someone, how can you not miss them a little from time to time?  Will it ever stop?  Who knows, I mean I am working on it.  And you know, I am overall very happy with my life.  My social life has never been better, school is almost done, and the job hunt really has begun.  Hell, I have even gone as far as to start looking for apartments, so I have those goals to shoot for in May when the temperature gets a bit more civil. 

So yeah, I may be pathetic in still caring, but I do.  Its really hard to turn something like that off, even when I know the relationship wasn’t healthy for me.  I do feel really sorry for you.  I know you live with a very bad mental condition, and I know that alot of what happened is because of that.  I’m really sad that you couldn’t or chose not to see it that way, because I do feel that maybe you could learn from it.  But it is what it is.

And if you are reading this, I know your going to think its part of some elaborate game to try to win you back, but the reality is, its not.  This is just me being completely honest.  Putting a problem down on paper so I know how to solve it.  I’m not trying for anything, I’m not hoping for anything.  I’m just getting it off my chest in the hopes that now that it’s out there, I can start the process of examining it and moving forward with my life.  Sort of a step in the process of learning how to let people close to me again, because I knwo right now I’m not ready for that.

But read it how you will, I know now that I could never have a chance at changing your mind in any way.  I just wish you the best of luck in your path.  I know many of you out there are reading this who know me quite well and think that I shouldn’t even be saying that, but I have to say it.  And I know most of you know why.  Hate is a strong word, and I don’t hate anyone.  This is the first time that an impasse has happened, and the first time I’ve lost a friend completely, but that doesn’t mean I can not care.  Thats not something you can shut off.

I know now that a friendship isn’t a possibility, and I accept that part of it.  I am hurt because you do feel that I was holding you back when the reality is that I was just trying to make you happy, but I guess that really wasn’t ever possible.  You’re the only one who can make you happy.  I know you thought your house was a vacation from my life, but the reality was that it was not.  Sure, it was fun, but it was also alot of work.  I just try really hard to make people happy, especially you, and so even when I wanted to leave, I didn’t because I really did not want to let you down.  I wanted to be there for you, be your rock, and help you, even at the expense of my own wellbeing.  I did not care, and I did not judge you.  Sure your relationship this past year went against everything I felt morally, but hey, I did support you.  I really did.  And I’m not sure if you meant everything you said to me, but I did take it that way.  You said to me that there was no way I would ever make it on my own because I couldn’t even “brown meat” and you know what?  That really hurt.  And I know that was the intent.  But it didn’t hurt because of the context, it hurt because it simply wasn’t true.  I could brown meat, have done so many MANY times before.  But, as you know, my coordination isn’t the best and so I am used to draining it a different way.  Its how I have always done it, ALWAYS.  And it hurt me because I volunteered to make dinner because I knew you were tired and I wanted to help.  I wanted you to get a chance to relax a bit, as much as I was able to do.  I wanted to clean the kitchen, and I wanted you to lie down while I took care of you, yet it ended up getting used against me.  I felt like absolute dirt, scum, etc.  And yeah, I know we could have worked through that, but after that, well, I guess ultimately I didn’t want to anymore. 

But even still, I could have seen past all of that, I really could have, because I KNOW I’m not perfect, and to an extent, I enjoy the abuse, which is something I really need to learn not to enjoy.  What really pushed me over the edge was having to deal with the police to get my things back, and being told what I was told by them.  Of COURSE I wasn’t going to come back, I had no intention, and still have no intention of doing so.  OF COURSE I wasn’t going to harm your property, who do you think I am?  Had I wanted to do that, I had opprotunity to do so before trying to just have you leave the stuff outside.  I’m not a criminal, but yet you treated me like one both times.  And the funny thing is, I actually called them to check the legality of me asking for my stuff back about an hour before they called me anyways.  That’s not the kind of person I am, hell it was hard enough to even pull the pet card.  And yet, 5 months later I have made no attempt to contact you.  For the first three months I hadn’t even gone down the road you live off of, and now I only do it because its a shortcut to the mall from where I live currently.  I haven’t set foot in the neighborhood since that night, nor do I plan to, not even to go to my brother’s girlfriends house. 

Anyways, I guess I’m ranting now.  It might seem wishy washy, but it is what it is.  I’m still satisfied with my decision ultimately, but I do wish it never had to come to that, and I do feel bad for you.  Because, at the end of the day at least I can walk away from BPD, but you do have to deal with it for the rest of your life.  I truely feel sorry about that.  All I have to do is deal with missing all the good parts about you, and there are many of those, despite there being bad parts that ultimately outweighed the good.  But having said that, most of the bad parts you can’t control.

Good Luck, I hope you are able to cope enough someday to find happiness, I really do.

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