Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category

Two of my best friends over the past 4 years have made their love of each other official by getting married in a beautiful outdoor ceremony yesterday.  As long as I’ve known Rose and Mike, I’ve known that they just “belong” together.  Congratulations guys!  I look forward to being a part of your lives for years to come (now its time for me to find my ideal match!)

Chugging along….

Posted: February 5, 2010 in Friends, Fun, Work

Hey everyone, just thought I’d stop in and say I’m still alive and chugging along.  Life has been crazy, and fun, all at the same time.

If I get some time, I’ll sit down and give some updates.

I look back to this past year, and think of all the many milestones.  So, I thought I would do a little reflection post to sum things up, starting with December of last year (because it fits).

Notable acheivements of 2008:

  • Graduated with an AAS end of December
  • Rejoined the workforce, this time to start a career in IT
  • Made many new friends, and became closer to old ones once again
  • Did not have one cigarette in 2008 (official quit date was 10/1/2007, but I still feel this is notable in 2008)
  • Moved into my own apartment
  • Furnished said Apartment (for about $2000 and then another $2000 for my TV)
  • Established, and followed, a monthly budget
  • Learned how to cook many new food items (hey, its all new to me, right?)
  • And lastly, I got to go to FL to see my dad and other family members

As I look back at what I accomplished, I see much more to accomplish in the future.  Many things changed for me, and for the world in 2008.  Besides personal changes, we saw the death of XM (RIP Lucy), the formation of the much inferior Sirius XM, the election of a black president, the economic downturn, and most of our 401k’s turning into 201k’s (haha, stole that one from our COO).

2009 shows to be an even more challenging year.  I look forward to it, how about you?

…and tons of planing, its now down to less than a week.

I’ve got all the furniture, and most of the stuff that I will need (after spending almost $2000 to get there), and in less than a week the moving truck shows up and the plan finally goes into action.

The funny thing is, I’m partially sad by this.  I’ve been living at my current residence for about 20 years, give or take a few months here and there.  And it’s been solid the last 4 years.  But, I really think that independance will treat me well and I’m sure the nostalgic sadness I feel will only last a matter of days once I’m in MY first place. 

I’ll be living alone, but at the same time I’ll be in a building with 100 other units.  (All together, I think this complex has 340 or so units).  I’ll be just down the hall from two people that I consider very close friends (even though our schedules haven’t really aligned lately for us to hang out that much).  Hopefully I can build that friendship, while making some new ones and rekindling some old ones.

Overall, I’m excited.  I know, its not that big of a deal, but I’m 27 and finally I have a place that I can call “mine”.  Of course, with that comes my bills, but I am confident that I’ll make it.

Wish me luck.  If you know me outside of this blog (as many of you do) give me a call and come see my new place sometime (or if your available next weekend, I could use help moving, even though I have a half dozen confirmed helpers, each additional one means less work overall for the rest of us!).

After all that has happened…..

Posted: March 16, 2008 in Friends

Why do I still care?  Why do you enter my thoughts and my dreams?  Why do I keep dreaming that we have reconciled our differences?

But most of all, why do I feel as if I should try for that?  Is it all the good times we have had?  Just because someone has a bad period of time, even and especially if they cannot be 100% in control of the issues surrounding it, why must things come to a complete end and cutoff?  Didn’t we both think at one time we were better friends than that?  What happened to that, and is it worth the time to question?

To the person this post is directed at, wherever you might be, I hope you are acheiving all you thought you couldn’t with me in your life.  I honestly wish you the best, because, despite the bad waters under the bridge, I still care about you and hope you have a good life.

I still miss you.  Maybe one day I will have the courage and ability to stop missing you, or the understanding to know how to fix it.  Until then, I can do nothing more than try to forget you, and continue to move on as I have these past months.  As I have said before, life is good, it would just be a little better if you were there to share it with me.

Upset with a (former?) Friend

Posted: March 2, 2008 in Friends

So tonight was basically world war two.  I’m extremely frustrated with a friend of mine who, as of right now has decided to “sever” contact with me.

We have been friends for 7 years now, and honestly I think the reason he is upset with me is bogus.  But yet, he has no idea why I was upset with him in the first place.  Anyways, I don’t really have the energy to explain it all or hash through it right now, so I’ll probably update you all more on this later today when I wake up.

Regardless its not cool, and I’m not happy about it.

Finally made it back up to Duluth….

Posted: January 13, 2008 in Friends, Fun

I think its been something like 5 months, but after a long absense, me and Rielly went back to Duluth to see a friend up there.

Definitely a good time as always, but as usual I am exhausted now.

Yup, thats right, after two and a half years of hard work, I have met all requirements for graduation!

Now, while I am excited about this, I am also nervous as this means I once again have to go join the real world, but I am one step closer to completing the ultimate goal of complete financial independence, which is something I have been working on now for a number of years. 

Moving out should happen here by May, and I have pretty much already picked out where I am moving to, thanks to a couple of friends who also recently moved there, and have shown me that the place isn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.  As a matter of fact, I’d say the place is pretty nice, but if I tell you all where it is, you’ll snap up all the vacancies before I get the chance to sign on the dotted line.

The year has seemingly flown right by me, as it’s quickly coming to a close.  I say quickly, because as we all know December goes by rather quickly. 

Perhaps its because of the week and a half cold that I’m just getting over, or the fact that I have been in school for around 10 hours a day this semester, but I for one welcome the end of the year.  For me it means graduation, a step upward from where I was before.  When I start the new year, I will be employable in the IT field, and with any luck, I will also have a job lined up. 

But I will also be sad to see the end of the year approach.  I will miss going to classes, or hanging out with all those people that I have met at school.  It’s been 2.5 years there, and there are some great memories, and some not so great memories.  But one thing is for sure, I am going to miss the 40+ minute commute each way to go learn some stuff with some overall great people.

But, such is life, constantly changing.  And there’s some big changes coming up in the new year.  Stay tuned!

I still miss you…

Posted: November 29, 2007 in Friends, Personal

What can I say, 5 months later, its time I admit that I still miss you from time to time.  Sure it doesn’t affect my life entirely, but there are passing momemts of sadness.  Is it because I have such a great memory?  Probably.  But you know something?  I still know we had some great times together.  Despite things ending out very poorly, I still couldn’t say that I hate you, or that I am angry at you.

I cared about you, and to a very small degree, I still do.  I will never deny that.  Because of you, my life is very different now than it was before.  You still managed to have a very positive impact on my life.  Sure, some of it may have been out of spite, but had it not been for you I would not be in school right now.  And I’m sure your not even reading this anymore, and honestly whether you are or are not, well that much doesn’t matter to me.  I just like getting this out there for me, not for anyone else.

I’m certainly not without my share of the blame for things happening, and I don’t think I ever said any different.  I just really honestly think that we had personality styles that didn’t match.  Sure we had some great times, and the bad times were so few and far between that it honestly shouldn’t have destroyed a friendship.  But it eventually did.  I couldn’t keep trying to make you happy only to be judged with a fine tooth comb everytime you needed me gone.  It just wasn’t healthy.  Nobody is perfect, I know and admit to most of my flaws, and I’m always looking for ways to discover them so I can learn and grow from my mistakes.  Thats not to say that you didn’t or don’t, so please don’t read it that way.

I know, I know, I probably shouldn’t even care still, but I do.  That’s not to say that I would take action on it, and I’m sure you ultimately realize that now.  This is as far as I’m likely to take it.  I’ve been debating an email just to get some closure on the situation, but when it comes down to it, at the moment I can’t.  Maybe sometime down the line sure, but I could and would never try to come anypace near you or cause you even the slightest bit of harm, ever.  Yeah, I used the whole cat thing on you, but that was honestly used only to recover my things.  I had no other option, and was only going to use that if you didn’t follow through on giving me my stuff back.  But, you did, and I didn’t use that against you.  I’m not vindictive, and I really do love animals.

So maybe this whole time I have been lying to myself.  But I think the reality is that I knew this was going to happen.  I mean, when your close with someone, how can you not miss them a little from time to time?  Will it ever stop?  Who knows, I mean I am working on it.  And you know, I am overall very happy with my life.  My social life has never been better, school is almost done, and the job hunt really has begun.  Hell, I have even gone as far as to start looking for apartments, so I have those goals to shoot for in May when the temperature gets a bit more civil. 

So yeah, I may be pathetic in still caring, but I do.  Its really hard to turn something like that off, even when I know the relationship wasn’t healthy for me.  I do feel really sorry for you.  I know you live with a very bad mental condition, and I know that alot of what happened is because of that.  I’m really sad that you couldn’t or chose not to see it that way, because I do feel that maybe you could learn from it.  But it is what it is.

And if you are reading this, I know your going to think its part of some elaborate game to try to win you back, but the reality is, its not.  This is just me being completely honest.  Putting a problem down on paper so I know how to solve it.  I’m not trying for anything, I’m not hoping for anything.  I’m just getting it off my chest in the hopes that now that it’s out there, I can start the process of examining it and moving forward with my life.  Sort of a step in the process of learning how to let people close to me again, because I knwo right now I’m not ready for that.

But read it how you will, I know now that I could never have a chance at changing your mind in any way.  I just wish you the best of luck in your path.  I know many of you out there are reading this who know me quite well and think that I shouldn’t even be saying that, but I have to say it.  And I know most of you know why.  Hate is a strong word, and I don’t hate anyone.  This is the first time that an impasse has happened, and the first time I’ve lost a friend completely, but that doesn’t mean I can not care.  Thats not something you can shut off.

I know now that a friendship isn’t a possibility, and I accept that part of it.  I am hurt because you do feel that I was holding you back when the reality is that I was just trying to make you happy, but I guess that really wasn’t ever possible.  You’re the only one who can make you happy.  I know you thought your house was a vacation from my life, but the reality was that it was not.  Sure, it was fun, but it was also alot of work.  I just try really hard to make people happy, especially you, and so even when I wanted to leave, I didn’t because I really did not want to let you down.  I wanted to be there for you, be your rock, and help you, even at the expense of my own wellbeing.  I did not care, and I did not judge you.  Sure your relationship this past year went against everything I felt morally, but hey, I did support you.  I really did.  And I’m not sure if you meant everything you said to me, but I did take it that way.  You said to me that there was no way I would ever make it on my own because I couldn’t even “brown meat” and you know what?  That really hurt.  And I know that was the intent.  But it didn’t hurt because of the context, it hurt because it simply wasn’t true.  I could brown meat, have done so many MANY times before.  But, as you know, my coordination isn’t the best and so I am used to draining it a different way.  Its how I have always done it, ALWAYS.  And it hurt me because I volunteered to make dinner because I knew you were tired and I wanted to help.  I wanted you to get a chance to relax a bit, as much as I was able to do.  I wanted to clean the kitchen, and I wanted you to lie down while I took care of you, yet it ended up getting used against me.  I felt like absolute dirt, scum, etc.  And yeah, I know we could have worked through that, but after that, well, I guess ultimately I didn’t want to anymore. 

But even still, I could have seen past all of that, I really could have, because I KNOW I’m not perfect, and to an extent, I enjoy the abuse, which is something I really need to learn not to enjoy.  What really pushed me over the edge was having to deal with the police to get my things back, and being told what I was told by them.  Of COURSE I wasn’t going to come back, I had no intention, and still have no intention of doing so.  OF COURSE I wasn’t going to harm your property, who do you think I am?  Had I wanted to do that, I had opprotunity to do so before trying to just have you leave the stuff outside.  I’m not a criminal, but yet you treated me like one both times.  And the funny thing is, I actually called them to check the legality of me asking for my stuff back about an hour before they called me anyways.  That’s not the kind of person I am, hell it was hard enough to even pull the pet card.  And yet, 5 months later I have made no attempt to contact you.  For the first three months I hadn’t even gone down the road you live off of, and now I only do it because its a shortcut to the mall from where I live currently.  I haven’t set foot in the neighborhood since that night, nor do I plan to, not even to go to my brother’s girlfriends house. 

Anyways, I guess I’m ranting now.  It might seem wishy washy, but it is what it is.  I’m still satisfied with my decision ultimately, but I do wish it never had to come to that, and I do feel bad for you.  Because, at the end of the day at least I can walk away from BPD, but you do have to deal with it for the rest of your life.  I truely feel sorry about that.  All I have to do is deal with missing all the good parts about you, and there are many of those, despite there being bad parts that ultimately outweighed the good.  But having said that, most of the bad parts you can’t control.

Good Luck, I hope you are able to cope enough someday to find happiness, I really do.